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1.

Ask them what you can do for them.

The question of how to comfort someone can usually be answered by the person you’re trying to comfort themselves. And in fact, according to somatic therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., it’s a good idea to ask, because everyone finds comfort in different things.

“The first step is to stay curious and ask how someone is feeling, and make sure they are open to being comforted,” she explains, adding that some people use co-regulation to soothe themselves, where others prefer to regulate on their own without the presence of others.

From there, you can ask about what might feel best.

And as certified couples’ therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC, previously told mindbodygreen, you want to approach the conversation delicately and sensitively as well. Open with phrases like, “‘I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you are,’ ‘I care about you and want to be here for you,’ and ‘Is there any special way I can support you right now that I might not be aware of?'” she suggests.

2.

Be a safe place for them to land.

3.

Try something somatic based, like walking.

4.

Simply be a comforting presence.

And speaking of not using words, again, sometimes this is preferred. As Richmond tells mindbodygreen, “Simply sitting next to someone without talking, just being a warm and compassionate presence,” can be comforting.

In this case, be mindful of the cues you’re giving off to help build trust and a feeling of safety. According to psychotherapist Megan Bruneau, M.A., things like “eye contact, genuine and warm facial expressions, and your tone of voice” are all things to keep in mind.

5.

Be patient and understanding.

6.

Send them encouraging texts.

We’ve all got phones, and that means sending a quick text is one of the easiest ways to let a friend know you’re sending them comforting vibes. “When it comes to supporting someone through text,” Shuavarnnasri explains, “I would lean toward words of affirmation and continuing to remind the person that the pain they’re feeling is totally normal.” Treat these texts like a sounding board, letting them know their feelings are valid and that they’re not alone.

(Here are a bunch of things to say instead of “sorry for your loss,” by the way.)

7.

Validate them & make them feel understood.

Validation is key when comforting a loved one. We all want to feel like we are seen and understood, and offering that to a friend in need is powerful. Practice active listening, and back up all the things they’re telling you.

According to Bruneau, “The most important component of active listening is empathy: A nonjudgmental verbal acknowledgment of one’s feelings.” You can do this with phrases like, “It sounds like you’re feeling [insert appropriate feeling] because [reason they might be feeling that way],” which opens up the door for them to give their take, Bruneau explains.

8.

Do some favors for them, big or small.

9.

Don’t give unsolicited advice or try to force them to cheer up.

Last but not least, when we’re comforting someone, we want to focus on them and validating their feelings—not forcing our own view on them. As such, try to avoid giving advice or words of wisdom, even if you think you have the answers. Your friend will likely just feel patronized, and that’s not comforting.

As relationship expert Margaret Paul, Ph.D. previously explained to mindbodygreen, unsolicited advice is often interpreted as “directly ignoring their agency and attempting to control their decisions or feelings,” and who wants that?

1. This must be so hard for you.
2. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through.
3. I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could do.
4. Do you want to talk about it?
5. It’s OK to cry and be sad—this is sad.
6. We don’t have to talk; I’m happy to just sit here with you.
7. Is there anything I can do to help?
8. Can I bring you over a meal?
9. You are still a wonderful person no matter what.
10. I’m keeping you in my thoughts as you’re going through this.
11. How are you doing?
12. What do you need most right now?
13. Take as long as you need.
14. Life isn’t fair, and you’re handling this beautifully.
15. What you’re saying and feeling are completely understandable.
16. I can see your struggle and how much effort you’re giving.
17. I have so much faith in your strength and resilience.
18. Everything you’re feeling makes a lot of sense.
19. I am here for anything you need.

Comforting someone when you are the reason they need comforting is a bit of a different ballgame than comforting a friend going through a breakup, for example. In this case, the onus is really on you to own up to how you hurt them, and further, prove that they can trust you again.

Knowing how to apologize correctly is the first step. In this case, according to clinical psychologist Houyuan Luo, Ph.D., you’ll want to directly express your apology without sugar-coating it or defending your own behavior, and clearly communicate how you hurt them. Be genuine and earnest that you are sorry.

“Acknowledge the negative effect of your action on the person, particularly the emotional impact,” Luo says. Good intentions don’t justify the negative impact, he reminds.

From there, should the apology be accepted, you may still have reparations to make, and will need to follow your apology with aligned action. As licensed mental health counselor Chautè Thompson, LMHC previously told mindbodygreen, “Be sure to explain in what ways you plan to improve and/or what you will do to prevent this type of offense from happening again. This is what it means to truly make amends.”

And of course, if you say you’re going to do something, be sure to actually do it. “Allow space, grace, and time for the relationship to grow back to where it was and hopefully beyond,” Thompson adds.