Nidhi Pandya

Ayurvedic practitioner

By Nidhi Pandya

Ayurvedic practitioner

Nidhi Pandya is a third-generation Ayurvedic practitioner based in New York City. Nidhi has been an international teacher, coach, and speaker. She writes for various publications and is a faculty at the Shakti School.

15 Things To Know About Dating In Your 30s

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January 23, 2023

Identifying your doshic dominance will probably revolutionize not only what you eat but also how you live and feel. And the same dosha theory could produce similar results when applied to relationships and dating.


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What are doshas, and what is doshic dominance?

Ayurveda, the science of life coined by Indian Vedic scientists a few thousand years ago, identified a profound yet simple method to understand bio-individuality. 

Much like the universe, all functions in the human body serve one of three purposes: building, transformation, and elimination/movement. In Ayurvedic terminology, these would correspond to the three doshas:

  • Kapha: Elements that are building and grounding (grounded and heavy)
  • Pitta: Elements that are warming and transforming (hot and intense)
  • Vata: Elements that support movement and elimination (very windy)


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The proportion of these doshas would then determine the unique body-mind make-up of an individual’s physical body and mental being. Kaphas like to build more than anything, Pittas use heat to transform, and Vatas may move and deplete more than build or transform.

How we feel, interact, process trauma, retain attention, and even show up in romantic relationships could be heavily influenced by the dosha that dominates our minds (which could differ from the dosha predominant in the body). Understanding our doshic mental makeup can help us better navigate relationships.

Read on to discover which mental dosha you are dominant in and how to work with it in love and dating.

Vatas in love.

These are etheric, go-with-the-flow beings who fall deeply in love—often many times. After all, mobility is part of their core. They are funny, keep the relationship exciting, and will go on almost any adventure with you. Vatas don’t take too many things too seriously and are full of life. Life with them can be fun and easy if you learn to be the sweater to their wind.

In dating and relationships, Vatas will want to use breathwork, journaling, and meditation to stay grounded. Dancing is also a great way to reset. Set realistic expectations with your partner (i.e., tell them that you may need help organizing your space and time). If anxiety starts to build up, resist the impulse to act immediately. Instead, go for a massage, sleep it out, or exercise.

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Having a Vata partner:

Vatas are delightful, lighthearted, and funny in their own way. Their partners must keep things exciting to keep them in the game. Slow down and make eye contact to ensure that all communication is effective. Trying to get Vatas to be more organized and punctual may be futile. But if you can be the steady force that grounds the wind in Vata, you have both won.

If you choose to move in with your Vata partner, don’t be surprised if they are not the most meticulous roommates. You may find their belongings lying everywhere as they usually have limited faculty to organize. On a positive note, Vatas are not picky, so you can always have dibs on everything: the side of the bed, what to eat, where to vacation, and even the home décor. But you must be warned here that, as a team, you may show up late to almost everything. Vatas are so on the move that they may not stop to see the clock.

Vatas in bed:

In bed, Vatas usually are drier in their bodies and could lack libido. But they can meet you where you are if you can slow them down before you turn them on. Most Vatas love to spoon all night, so if that’s your thing, you are in for a treat. 


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Vatas in an argument:

During disagreements, Vatas may take the discussion from one topic to another. The debate is concluded when the Vata is distracted or when the nervous system is exhausted. Often, feelings are not processed fully and become free-floating energy, leading to restlessness and anxiety in the long term.

Vata relationship challenges:

Vatas can be challenged in relationships that are older, deeper, more real, and more steady. To the mobile Vata, this can feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. What happens next is either the onset of anxiety or wanting to move on to the next exciting thing. When things get steady and scary, remind yourself that you’ve been here before and you will find yourself here once again. 


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Pittas in love.

Pittas are fierce and feisty. These movers and shakers of the world have their heads two steps ahead of their hearts. Pittas may not stop to romance you for too long, but if you have a dream that aligns with a potential Pitta partner’s, you’ll make a great duo. In relationships, Pittas will benefit from slowing down and embracing the present moment with their partner.

Having a Pitta partner:

Embrace their zest and be prepared to follow. When your life partner starts to feel like your business partner, communicate—and do it when they are not engrossed in a task. Let your dates go beyond dinner; plan nature walks, visits to the art museums, foot massages, and sound baths. It may often seem that your partner’s opinions are the loudest, but they will listen if you tell them how much something means to you. So give it a try! When Pittas love you, they will push you out of your comfort zone and be your greatest mentor.

Living with your Pitta partner may make you more efficient yourself. They sleep no more than they need to, mean what they say, organize for efficiency rather than obsession, and plan their outings to a tee. If you can get past their intensity, they are great partners in the game of life. 


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Pittas in bed:

The Pitta is happiest to make love if all boxes on the to-do list are checked: The room is cool, the fragrance is floral, and the music is soft. Also, keep all work-related conversations away from the bed. 

Pittas in an argument:

During arguments, Pittas can be sharp and angry and often say things they don’t mean. But eventually, a Pitta wants progress and is usually inclined to find solutions. Written communication can give them more reaction time than bringing up things in the heat of the moment. 

Pitta relationship challenges:

Pittas are taskmasters and problem solvers and expect you to be the same. They will listen to you and even help you but will quickly lose patience if you play the victim.

Kaphas in love.

Kaphas love love. They are steady, deep, and loyal lovers who are the best at holding long-term relationships, sometimes even long after their expiration date. They are grounded, calm beings who love their comfort zones. 

In relationships, Kaphas must be aware of their tendency to shut down and shut others out. Be sure to keep yourself stimulated, exercise, and try new things—even if they are in the safe company of your partner. Expressing your needs and feelings can be difficult, but it serves you in the long term. Couples’ therapy may be beneficial for you and your partner.

Living with a Kapha partner:

If your partner is a Kapha, it’s important to identify their patterns and sensitivities. Honor them. Work around them. If you can get them to open up and keep resentment in check, they will be your soul mate for life

The Container store was built by a Kapha for a Kapha. While their homes are usually aesthetically delightful to the world, their meticulousness can feel overwhelming to their partners. Kaphas can also be quite the hoarders, especially when they are feeling insecure. You may never get to try their side of the bed or sit on their chair. They hold on to their space. And their slow response times can take some getting used to. But overall, their pace and steadiness make them the intensely faithful beings they are. 

Kaphas in bed:

The bed is a Kapha’s favorite hangout spot. The sleep and the sex. They will give you all the foreplay and after-play you need, and Kaphas are also usually the best kissers.

Kaphas in an argument:

Kaphas don’t like arguments. They tend to make Kaphas withdraw, shut down, and become resentful. The sensitivity of a Kapha is not evident, as their ability to express themselves is limited. But if you see passive-aggressiveness, it is a sign that you need to have a loving conversation. 

Kapha relationship challenges:

Kaphas hold on to things deeply. The good and the bad. And when the discomfort overtakes the comfort, they can get into depression. But this can all be curtailed if the Kapha is mindful and moving. Physical stagnation can lead to mental stagnation, but a little bit of exercise and expression can take care of both. 

The takeaway.

This doshas guide will help you understand your partners’ (or your own!) unique tendencies and learn how to steer around them in a fun way. In reality, while we may display the dominance of one dosha, we may have streaks of other doshas come up strongly in certain areas. So feel free to cut, paste, and customize for a doshically aligned love life.