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October 25, 2023

Dating is all fun and games until the object of your affection starts leaving you “breadcrumbs.” A newly coined term which essentially describes leading someone on, getting “breadcrumbed” can feel even worse than being ghosted or outright rejected, because it keeps you coming back for more.

Here’s how to spot breadcrumbing, plus what to do about it, from relationship experts.

Breadcrumbing is a dating tactic that involves stringing someone along with “breadcrumbs” of attention in order to keep them interested. As sex therapist Chamin Ajjan, M.S., LCSW, A-CBT previously told mindbodygreen, they’ll communicate frequently enough to make you think they’re interested, but it doesn’t actually go anywhere.

And as psychotherapist Annette Nuñez, M.S., Ph.D. adds, breadcrumbing has become all too common (and easy) in the age of DMs, memes, and social media, because it takes virtually no effort for them to “like” your Instagram story, but it leaves you thinking they’re still interested.

“So there’s no real connection, no reciprocal conversation, or not even wanting to make plans with somebody—it’s like they’re falsely engaging you, if you will,” Nuñez explains.

If you feel like you’re getting mixed signals, those little instances where you think they’re interested are the breadcrumbs. According to couples’ therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC, when someone is breadcrumbing, they might be all up in your DMs one week, for instance, “and then for no particular reason, [they] change their behavior, ghost you, avoid you for a period of time, change their tone, or act guarded,” she says. 

What qualifies certain behaviors as “breadcrumbing” is often not the behavior itself, but whether there is follow through with the behavior. If someone flakes on plans but earnestly attempts to reschedule and does show up, for example, they might not be breadcrumbing you. But if they consistently cancel and/or don’t try to raincheck, then you might want to consider is they’re breadcrumbing.

“It’s about the follow through. If there’s no follow through, then that’s what bread crumbing is,” Nuñez tells mindbodygreen.

2.

Social media likes and DMs

Commenting or liking social media posts without engaging in direct communication is not evidence that someone wants to be with you. Are they being cheeky? Maybe. Do they want to commit? Probably not. This is especially true if you reply to their replies, and they don’t answer.

According to Nuñez, sending memes, replying to your story, or liking your posts is almost like they’re saying, “Don’t forget to keep me on your back burner, because you’re on mine.”

3.

Flirting without follow up

4.

Plans that keep falling through

There is a very real possibility that the person breadcrumbing you is using you for sex. We hate to say it, but sometimes, some people want to have their cake and eat it too—and by that, we mean have all the benefits of a relationship without having to be in a relationship.

If you’re getting booty-called, or the breadcrumbs this person gives are always sexual in nature, Nuñez says, consider is a sign that they’re just interested in sex and nothing more.

7.

Questions about the relationship are shut down

According to Ajjan, insecurity and loneliness can lead people to breadcrumb without even realizing they’re doing it. These people need multiple “relationships” to boost their self-esteem, and they tend to convince themselves they aren’t doing anything wrong.

Of course, some people may purposefully breadcrumb in order to string someone along. “They do this to feel relevant, to keep you from moving on, or to keep their options open,” Ajjan explains. And as Nuñez adds, they might want attention, and especially attention from other people. “They like to know they have somebody in their back pocket,” she says.

It’s also possible that people who breadcrumb have an avoidant attachment style. As clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., previously wrote for mindbodygreen, people with this attachment style are most comfortable with superficial hookups or short-term relationships, while any long-term connections tend to be detached and self-focused in nature. “An attitude of aloof superiority can often be evident in those with a dismissive-avoidant style,” she explains—and that can definitely look like breadcrumbing.

Breadcrumbing might seem like all fun and games, but it can be detrimental to the person on the receiving end (and it’s often people with an anxious attachment style who fall victim to it), according to Nuñez. “It’s kind of like Vegas when you play slot machines—you know a slot machine is going to go off at some point, you just don’t know when—so you keep spending more money because you think you’ll win,” she explains.

Sticking with the gambling analogy, the breadcrumber is the slot machine, and you’re the gambler. Each glimmer of a small “win” on the slot machine keeps you coming back for the jackpot, which of course, never happens.

Therapist and relationship expert Ken Page, LMFT, refers to this as an “attraction of deprivation.” You’re repeatedly drawn into relationships with emotionally unavailable people, which can be damaging to your self-esteem and trust in others. You become obsessed with receiving these breadcrumbs, despite the relationship not actually offering you any connection, warmth, or love. In the end, you just wind up feeling confused, burned, and unlovable.

And the more an anxious person clings, the more the avoidant breadcrumber will, well, avoid. “Then when they realize the anxious person is pulling away, they’ll give them a breadcrumb again to keep them to keep them hanging on,” Nuñez adds.

If you’re being breadcrumbed, the best thing to do is to stop engaging with the person and the crumbs they’re leaving behind. As Nuñez suggests, have an open and honest conversation with them about what you’re looking for, “And if they’re not looking for that, move on—just don’t respond to the DMS or the memes or the likes or the comments.”

Easier said than done, of course, because by broaching the conversation, you’re risking rejection. But ask yourself if you really want what this person is giving you. Do you really want to be treated this way? Is this the kind of loving relationship you’re looking for? “Because if this is what you’re setting up, then this person is always going to treat you like this,” Nuñez says.

Plus, there are far worse things than being rejecting, and to that end, falling victim to breadcrumbing requires a look inward. Feeling like you need the love and affection of an emotionally unavailable person is a glaring sign of limerence at best—and low self-esteem at worst. If someone is leaving you feeling bad about yourself for wanting a relationship, they’re not the one. It’s really that simple.

“It’s okay to want something serious, so it’s really about admitting to yourself that this isn’t the type of relationship that you want and this isn’t what you deserve,” Nuñez tells mindbodygreen, adding, “It’s understanding your self worth and what you really want.”

If you’re wondering how to actually break off the breadcrumbs, you might say something like, “It seems like we have different dating priorities right now and I’m not interested in what you’re looking for.”

And in order to avoid getting breadcrumbed going forward, remember that healthy relationships don’t require guesswork or confusion. According to Nuñez, “If somebody is really interested in you, you’re not going to have to guess. You’ll absolutely know.”